About me
I don’t remember much of my life. In fact it’s hard to retain every day that passes. Some things I can’t remember, some things the government takes away, some things I block out. That’s just the way it is. I do remember certain events though, one’s I’d like to throw away but can’t so I just laugh at them now. Like all the teasing I endured in elementary school. These two boys would never stop. They’d tease me about my height, my weight, my musculature, my hair color…etc. They’d call me a Nazi because I was German, had blonde hair, blue eyes and very little morals. In third grade I started isolating, I wouldn’t go out to play with my friends at recess but I’d help my teacher clean up the classroom. That’s when the voices started. At first they were little whispers but then they grew and told me never to tell anyone or I’d be locked up. They told me to respond to them in my head because they wanted to be kept a secret. I kept them a secret until I was 15 years old.
By fifteen, I was very depressed; I kept to myself and only to myself. I began to dissociate regularly and I’d cut myself to get away from the overwhelming numbness. I was terrified at that point and having more suicidal thoughts than ever. The suicidal thoughts, as well as homicidal, began in the third grade but I never told anyone. I also developed OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and it got so severe that I couldn’t even go to school because I was so anxiety stricken. My parents sent me in to be evaluated and I got sectioned to an inpatient psychiatric unit. During that stay I told my psychiatrist about the voices and other hallucinations I’d been having. After that I was sent from program to hospital to hospital to program and everywhere in between for three years. I was even sent to a state hospital for six months before I was able to pull myself out. During those nine or ten hospitalizations, I spent most of my time in physical, chemical, and mechanical restraints as well as isolation. Those restraints traumatized me badly. I don’t even like to talk about them with my psychiatrist. I’m 18 now, which means that if I go back into the hospital, it will be all on me. If I even set foot in an ER for a psych evaluation, they will immediately section and commit me. I know, I’m a danger to myself and others. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, it’s a scary disorder for me but as long as I take my meds, I’ll be fine. I think.
