March 2012
0 posts
3 tags
“They’ll say, ‘Just let her crash and burn, she’ll learn. The...”
– The Dresden Dolls (Girl Anachronism)
February 2012
45 posts
7 tags
Growing up.
I don’t want to grow up. I want to be a little girl again. I would give anything just to restart my life and do it all over again. You see, I wasn’t forced to grow up by anyone but myself, in fact, I’ve lived a very sheltered life. So sheltered that I’ve never gained the ability to survive on my own. I know the basics and that’s about it. My family has never struggled...
“Only a sick person is disappointed to be healthy.”
– (via miaismurder)
6 tags
Read and take note that nothing will ever change.
I have lost all meaning and reality is finally setting in. I don’t want to live in this reality, I want to live in my own. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I mean it. I do. I don’t want to live here. I want to run away and never look back just run run run. I can’t think, I can’t write, I can’t create anything on my own. Now I am dependent. Now I am dead, I want to...
1 tag
You think I'm not real.
1 tag
I'm medicated, how are you?
3 tags
I can feel the tremors running through my body, yet I am not shaking. I lie awake in bed feeling the incessant contract-and-release of my musculature. I don’t know if this is just a somatic hallucination or if the shaking is actually happening. I can’t tell because I cannot see the physical tremors.
6 tags
Apparently alcohol makes my parkinsonism worse.
I know, I know, I’m not even supposed to be drinking!
5 tags
Slow down, this night's a perfect shade of Dark...
Dark blue (dark blue) have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I’m here with you, I said the world could be burning (burning) down.
I sang this over and over while taking the blade to my skin. I was so numb, just so numb. I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t speak except for these lyrics which played over and over in my head. There was this voice,...
6 tags
I’m used to being the patient, I’ve been one for three years. Now everything is changing. My whole way of life is changing. I’m going back to school and staying stable. I’m no longer the sick girl in and out of hospitals, I’m a student like everyone else. I’m supposed to be normal even though I’m so far from it. I don’t want to be normal, I may say...
I just need a fucking reason. Okay?
3 tags
“You are not a good person because you pity fucked a sick girl.”
– Maggie Murdock (Love and Other Drugs)
5 tags
I dislike stability. I’m a card tower that insists on falling over; I will not remain upright for long. It has been four weeks since I left the hospital, four weeks of doing everything I’m told, four weeks of being a robot. Nothing is interesting anymore, nothing inspires, everything is just so bland. Very little hallucinations come about anymore, I can’t say much for delusions...
4 tags
It doesn’t look like I’m shaking when I extend my arm, but I can feel my entire body shaking with it. It’s not as bad as the last time I had these tremors but it still effects me greatly, especially in my classes. I cannot sit still for the life of me. I settle down at my desk, and never settle down. I am constantly shaking and moving which makes it hard to concentrate on what my...
4 tags
Robotics.
I can’t think anymore. I can’t think for myself. I’ve become a machine poised to spit out bland accounts of anything I see. I no longer feel anything besides monotone emotion. I don’t feel numb but I just can’t… I just can’t. I feel the need to do something drastic, just to get the feeling back. I need to feel pain, I need my release. I’m so sick and...
4 tags
I’m so tired. Just so tired. Tired of everything that comes into my mind and leaves. I just want it all to stop. Just give me a small vacation from my head, cut it off at the roots and breathe. My consciousness flits in and out of being. My being flits in and out of consciousness. In and out. Up and down. Around and around we go. It will never stop until I have taken my last breath....
4 tags
I have never understood why people make such a big deal out of my self-injury. It’s my body, and I’ll do what I will with it. If that means I have scars covering every inch of my body, so be it. It’s my high. It’s my release. And I happen to like my scars, thank you. I don’t show them off, I’m not looking for attention, but I don’t bother to cover them...
1 tag
When I look at the Purell bottle on my bedside table, my first thought is to drink it. My second thought is to pour some on my hand and then set it on fire. My third thought is to use it to clean my hands over and over again.
January 2012
78 posts
3 tags
Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick...
I don’t look in your eyes for a reason. If I do, you will rip out my soul and tear me to pieces. Please don’t make me look in your eyes, because I don’t want to see another lie. The lies compile in my eyes, and when two sets of eyes meet, the lies transfer and I become tainted. Don’t make me look in your eyes for when I do, I will only see my bare reflection; everything...
3 tags
I made their lives miserable, just because I...