Now I am God because God never loved me this much.

I can’t even look at a leather medical restraint cuff without crying. I feel terror when I see one. Something in my head starts shouting “no” very loudly and I flashback to the worst of them. The times when I’m just lying there crying, screaming and flailing. The times I’m getting injected against my will. The times they throw me on the ground and pin me there. My response is to make a game out of it in the moment, kind of like dissociating. But afterwards. No. Not anymore.