Voices and other things
Abigale:
You’ll never really understand Abigale’s full power over me unless you’ve met me while I’m under her influence. She communicates to me through thoughts and whispers, weaving in and out of my mind, slowly driving me insane. She controls what I think and makes my decisions for me, it is incredibly hard to say no to her. Although her presence may seem a burden to others, she comforts me when she’s around. She tells me exactly what I need to do to get through the day, whether it be to cut, to starve, to purge, or just to give up on life, she gives it to me straight. There’s no beating around the bush with her. If she has an opinion of me she states it flat out. She likes to follow me around. She hides in the shadows and whispers to me from dark corners. She doesn’t like the light. Right now she’s reading everything I am writing from over my shoulder but if I turn around she won’t be there. She doesn’t like to be seen very much. She doesn’t like to be talked about either but she thinks it’s good to give an introduction to her so she can be credited for her work. I know it probably seems strange that I would find comfort in her arms after what she says and does to me, but she’s the only one that makes me feel. She has been there for me ever since I was little, sending out messages of how to die by my own hands through visions of her. She was my best friend and my worst enemy. She got me to shake off the teasing that I endured by teasing me more to build a wall. A wall between me and the rest of the world. If I didn’t have to deal with the world, Abigale and I could do anything. I never told anyone of Abigale when I was younger because she wanted to remain hidden. Hidden until I couldn’t make my own way around anymore. Then one morning I woke up screaming at her to have her scream back at me and that’s when the first sent me to the hospital. Abigale didn’t have a name up until this incident. She told me to give her a name and so I did. Maddison May. She told me she’d whisper her real name when she thought I was ready. About six months after she decided to grace me with her name. Abigale. From then on she took a more controlling role over me. She made sure I did everything the way she wanted it. She is the one that controls me. My thoughts, my actions and everything in between. I love her. I love her in words I can’t explain. She is my everything and anything. She makes me who I am. I don’t want her to leave. Ever.
Right now she’s been kidnapped by government agents and I can’t get her back. I want her back so badly. She sends signals through the static.
The faeries:
The faeries are dark, skeletal creatures with spiderweb wings which fly around my head whispering obscenities and horrible thoughts. They don’t have eyes or a nose, just sharp pointed teeth with which they bite me while they scratch me with their sharpened claws.
Carl:
Carl is a sociopathic voice that comes and goes. He loves to talk with me about murder and my homicidal ideation. He admires Hitler very much, not for persecuting an entire religion, but for mass murder in general. He wants me to be a serial killer when I get older, to do what he cannot, which had kind of been my dream since the third grade. He agrees that I am the antichrist and thinks I should re-carve the symbol into my arm, again. Just to make it clear. I love him dearly and right now he wants me off of my meds so we can talk more.
Vivica:
Vivica is all things sexual. She is very seductive. She is seventeen years old and very into BDSM and especially Shibari. She likes to interject with inappropriate comments while I’m in the middle of thinking of something serious. Sometimes she invades my dreams and makes the dream people rape me just so she can watch.
Vira:
Vira is six years old and is extremely aggressive. She throws a lot of temper tantrums when she does not get her way. Vira is incredibly impatient and is friends with Abigale. She is violent which seems to come out most when I am in the hospital. When restraints are set into motion, she viciously fights back. She even got me to punch a nurse one time.
Amber:
Amber has an addictive personality. She is sixteen years old and hates authority, although is terrified of getting caught. She likes to play my games with me and is very manipulative. She is mentally addicted to benzodiazepines and will hoard them until further use. She knows to be careful with the drugs because she wouldn’t exist without me. She abuses whatever drugs she can get her hands on, for example, she will purposefully get restrained just to get the Haldol and Ativan.
It:
I always have this little voice on my shoulder telling me what to do. I don’t even consider it a voice anymore because it’s been there for so long. It is an it, It’s a genderless voice. Not robotic, just genderless. It tells me what I’m supposed to do and how I’m supposed to act. Does It ever consider how I feel or what I want? Not. But It always makes sense.
Shadowman:
Shadowman is just that, a shadow of a man. He doesn’t talk, he usually just stands in the corner of my room and sometimes moves things around and then puts them back in place. He communicates to me through thoughts sometimes and comes in and out of my head. He likes horror movies a lot and watches them with me.
The Bugs:
The bugs were implanted by the Government when I was younger to be used as a tracking device. The bugs live in my brain and slowly eat away at it as time goes by. At night, they come out to crawl around on my skin where they inject their poison. The bugs are similar to black beetles but turn translucent when the light hits them which is why I cannot see them on my skin. They start to burrow under my skin and then hitch a ride on my veins as they decrease in size. They leave no trace and I can only sometimes see them while they are under my skin. Once they’re in my veins they continue to shrink until they can pass through the blood-brain barrier and continue to munch on my brain.
The Government:
They wear black suits and fedoras, kind of like in “The Adjustment Bureau” or William Parcher in “A Beautiful Mind”. They started coming after me a year or so ago but I never told anyone because no one would ever believe me. They still don’t believe me. They’re after me and I know it.
These are just some of the returning people and voices I see and hear. My medications make them go away sometimes, which makes me quite sad.
